I’m a huge birthday person. Like a huge birthday person. I love celebrating my birthday every year. In my head my birthday is a national holiday.
I dread getting older, but I love celebrating my birthday in some kind of grand way. It’s a Leo thing.
Last year, as my birthday was approaching I was getting ready to fuck it up per usual, while being big and of course pregnant. I had my heart set on a glitter theme party and I was going to show up looking like a big, sexy disco ball. It was gonna be a hot glitter mess of a good time.
I decided on a good food spot to eat because what does a pregnant lady absolutely enjoy other than food? Nothing. Then, I was going to make all my beautiful friends wear something shiny and sparkly so I could get a cute maternity photo shoot out of the deal.
I had the perfect dress and the perfect heels for the occasion and they are both still sitting in my closet waiting to be put to use because someone couldn’t wait to meet his mommy. .
Side note: My daughter’s birthday is in my birthday month as well. Her birthday is 10 days after mine and now Kalvin is my almost birthday twin. His birthday is the very next day after mine. (It’s officially the Leos versus the Virgo in my house now. This is gonna get interesting...)
I think I started feeling Braxton Hicks about a month before I went into actual labor. I normally have a pretty high tolerance for pain but man those hicks are definitely unforgettable. The pain I felt was at first annoying and then unbearable. I’ve never experienced them in previous pregnancies.
I’m also usually not a complainer but those hicks hurt like motherfucker. Just the anticipation of those sharp pains gave me anxiety. They were so painful. They crippled me to the point where sometimes I couldn’t even move. I would have to just stop right in my tracks and let them pass before I could move again.
As they came more frequently I couldn’t wait to get the pregnancy over with. I became impatient. All I kept saying to Kalvin was stay in their until after the baby shower then he could make his arrival.
I had my whole birthing plan planned out too and of course nothing went as planned-go figure. I was fixated on having a vaginal birth. I guess I always felt some type away that I punked out with baby #2.
You see I was suppose to have a VBAC(a vaginal birth after a c-section) with baby #2 but chickened out. I was so vain with my first child and didn’t want a c-section, although I needed it because I didn’t want the huge scar that came with it.
My mom literally had to have a pep talk with me about being vain after the doctors explained to me that I’d need a c-section after 10 hours of labor and despite 10 cm dilated. I didn’t want one but I eventually had to cope with needing to have an emergency c-section.
The cord was wrapped around my baby’s neck and every time I had a contraction his heart rate would lower so having a c-section with my first child was the only way to safely get him here.
So I put my big girl panties on and did what was best for my baby. They gave me another epidural and next thing you know I was whisked off to the operating room. As soon as the drape went up to begin surgery I went completely numb. I was so drugged up and numb. I remember falling asleep in one second and waking up in the next with a baby.
I slept through the entire birth.
Once I healed I thought why would anyone ever go through regular childbirth when you can take the easy way out via the sunroof? In 30 minutes tops I had a baby and my vagina didn’t have to suffer. It was like magic. It was surgery but it was still childbirth. I never thought I’d be ok with it, but I was.
Having a c-section did however make me feel a little envious of moms who would talk about how after they gave birth the doctor would put the baby on their chest right away. For some reason it bothered me that I had been robbed of that precious moment.
When you typically have a c-section your not the first to hold your baby. Normally dad is or whoever is in the operating room with you. They just sort of put the baby up next to you so you can see him or her. To me it wasn’t a special moment like in the movies I’d seen.
I wanted that skin to skin contact. Determined to get that with my second I switched my OBGYN doctor when he refused to let me give birth vaginal. I found during this process that a lot of doctor don’t want you to do it. It can be done but I feel like most doctors try and push you to continue having c-sections if you’ve ever had one.
I got all the way up to my third trimester and changed my mind. I had nightmares that I’d tear from my vagina to my butthole the way my ex co-worker told me hers did. The thought of that happening to me in real life scared the shit out of me and I couldn’t do it so I made my peace that having a vaginal birth just wasn’t for me.
Fast forward 10 years later, third pregnancy, and thinking since this is my for sure last pregnancy let me attempt having a vaginal birth one more time. I had the pleasure of having the most understanding doctor at Kaiser Hospital. I told him my birth plan and he didn’t shut me down. We both mutually agreed we’d let my body determine which way I’d give birth because safety was a top priority.
My due date was September 4, 2018. Can you believe it? My son was suppose to be born on Beyoncé’s birthday. You don’t even understand how exciting that was to me. In fact, if I was having a girl I definitely was going to name her something beginning with the letter K like the rest of my kids and middle name Beyoncé. Duh. Who wouldn’t?! My friends would joke I might even get my child free concert tickets for life if Beyoncé found out I named my child after her But that was just wishful thinking.
While pregnant I watched all these birthing videos on Instagram and felt so empowered. Women are some kind of magic. If you don’t agree I suggest you watch one of them birthing videos because I get chills every time I see one. I watched one particular home birth where this women basically delivered her own baby. She basically snatched it out. It was pretty awesome.
When you think about how women have been barring children for ages and we just started really giving birth in hospitals and having epidurals it really shows our strength. Our ancestors popped out 10 kids in their living room with no pain medicine is crazy for most of my peers in my generation, yet it’s so beautiful that women are capable to do such a thing.
I know us women are naturally built for everything child birth entails but one thing I appreciate most about western medicine is that epidural. It is and will always be a blessing. I would never opt out of it. Sign me up indefinitely. I don’t want to feel anything. Drug me all the way up. After all, no one gets an award for having a baby without it. Bragging rights don’t mean anything to me if I have to suffer to get them. No ma’am I’ll take epidural, hold the morphine because I’m allergic.
I couldn’t sleep for 3 days prior to my delivery. My water bag was still intact, my mucus plug still hadn’t fell out but my contractions were so painful and keeping me up all night. During the day I tried to stay busy and not focus on them. I knew labor was coming but it wasn’t coming fast enough.
On my birthday, I went to work trying to be normal. I was in huge denial that I was ok and would be able to work because I got there and couldn’t move. The contractions were so strong and close together but not close enough to go to the hospital. My co-workers were like go home but I was scared I’d have a bad contraction while driving so I waited until I mustered up enough strength to go home.
That night I began to cry because I was so uncomfortable and in so much pain. I was at my limit. I made my fiancé drive me to the hospital because I thought it was time. They gave me some morphine and it toned down the contractions. Then they sent me home because I wasn’t dilated.
I still was feeling lots of pressure the next afternoon and I didn’t want to go to the hospital because my fiancé left town for business that morning since we both thought it was false alarm. We thought he’d have enough time to go do a turn around trip for work that was already planned and be back the next day. I wasn’t happy about that, but it is what it is.
I eventually broke down and got my mom to take me to the hospital and they kept me this time. They decided to monitor me and After some hours they could see I was having lots of contractions but I wasn’t dilating.
During this time my fiancé was trying to fly back and apart of me was hoping it was another false alarm so he wouldn’t miss the birth of our child but I was in to much pain that I couldn’t focus on that. I had my mom and sister with me and I knew I’d be fine.
They have me on video saying “if this is fake labor, I don’t want to see what real labor is” and that’s when I made the decision to proceed with my c-section. They tease me about how dramatic I am because of that all the time now but I don’t care I feel like that pain was intense and I was not overreacting at all.
The labor pains alone are why I never want to get pregnant ever again. I wouldn’t wish that pain on my enemy. I thought the more pregnancies you had the easier it got, but for me that just wasn’t the case. This by far, was my worst labor ever.
The meds weren’t working. The morphine broke my skin out and I felt contractions all the way up until I laid on the operating table. Then, to top it of my sweetheart wasn’t there to support me during the whole ordeal.
I was actually coherent through the whole c-section. I kept asking them, “Are you sure I’m numb?” I just wasn’t convinced. I was suppose to be sleep like the last two births. I couldn’t believe that I could see everything and hear everything.
Everything was taking much longer than I remembered in the past. Every minute felt like an hour. I could see the drape moving back and forth. I could feel the struggle in the atmosphere. I was freaking out. I was ready to see my little angel.
Then, as soon as my son was born everyone started moving really fast and no one was saying anything to me. I didn’t even hear my child scream until a couple minutes after birth. I panicked more.
Immediately after labor usually all your worrying and stress is gone and your in a state of euphoria but that wasn’t my case. I was freaking out. I needed all the details and I hadn’t even seen my baby. The doctors and nurses were moving like molasses. My sister did her best to advocate for me but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I felt frustrated, scared and I felt alone. I had just given birth and was pissed off at the fact that I couldn’t move and demand answers because I was numb from the waist down.
It felt like an eternity until they were able to share information with me about my newborn baby and I still hadn’t seen him. I was told he was rushed to the NICU because he had low blood sugar, was really pale and born premature. I was overcome with all different emotions as I processed this information yet my heart was full of so much love.
My tiny little human had just arrived and I already loved him just as much as I did his brother and sister. I just wanted to see him but I had to be monitored, again. Luckily, my sister sent me plenty of pictures and videos from the NICU. He was so handsome. He was PERFECT.
I didn’t get to physically see him until the next morning because after I delivered all the meds wiped me out. When I finally saw him and held him in my arms all my emotions gushed out. He was even cuter in person. He was mines. All mines and I couldn’t wait to teach him and show him everything.
Having children is my calling. Some women like myself are just meant to be moms. I know this about me without a doubt. That this is my purpose. I truly love it. All of it. I even crush on other moms I see out here killing it.
This mom shit is a tough ass 24/7 job but I wouldn’t be me with out my kids. I truly feel they are the best part of me. Since becoming a mom I feel more beautiful, more powerful, more motivated and more fearless. They bring out a kind of love my selfish ass never knew I was capable of giving.Despite the fact that my labor sucked the end reward of getting my beautiful child was worth it but like I said this one is the last kid I’m having (my third times a charm baby).
I feel like my family is now complete. The baby making shop is closed. Baby Kalvin will be one in 23 days. It’s crazy how fast time has flown. The days feel long but his childhood will go just as fast as the others did so I’m trying to just cherish each and everyday.
11 months down and a lifetime to go.
I was not prepared for starting over but the joy this little boy gives me is one of a kind. I love him to pieces.
His smile after an all nighter is so cute I can’t even stay mad. His laugh warms my soul. He’s super smart and already walking. Not to mention EVERYONE loves my happy baby. He captures everyones heart. He came at just the perfect time in our family. We all love him so much.
Salute to all the moms that are out here handling their business and taking care of their kids, at the same dam time. It takes a strong women to carry, give birth and raise a child. You are under valued but you are enough. Even when we fall short we are enough.